How to Pick Up Chicks

For your enjoyment: This is my first sarcastic essay, written in Winter 2005, first published in the Valentine's Day 2006 issue of my school newspaper.

Forward-
This essay is about high school life, really. Boy meets girl, boy harasses girl, girl gets mad and slaps boy with a restraining order, that sort of thing. Hitting on people seems to be a common theme at high school. Guys are always searching for news ways to get the girl. I took a lot of these ideas from my friends, and those I saw, then I blew them out of proportion. Without further ado, enjoy!


"Hey, wanna make out?"

As one of the nation’s foremost Casanovas, I would like to share some of my many theories concerning the proper methods of relentlessly hitting on someone. These techniques have been tried and experimented, and they have withstood the test of time. Let’s start off with something easy.

Theory 1: Persistence pays off.

Tirelessly dropping obvious hints and making passes at someone every time you see them is probably the simplest way to get noticed. The ladies love being harassed by a hundred guys a day (in every part of their day). This technique is especially effective when you know they already have a quarterback boyfriend that could most definitely kick your butt (and every other body part you brush up against her). This shows bravery, which is the second most attractive trait to the ladies, besides persistence, of course.

Theory 2: Chicks dig awesome, original pickup lines.

“If you were a booger, I’d pick you first!”*

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.”*

Lines like these are perfect for swooning those math class would-be sweethearts.

“You must be Jamaican, ‘cause Jamaican me crazy!”* If she’s making you crazy, use that line! Any girl would be flattered out of her mind if someone used an incredible line like that!

Theory 3: Girls like a guy that can take matters into his own hands… I mean that literally!

If you’re walking down the hall and there is a certain hottie walking next to you, if you have the urge to grab her hand (or whatever), do it! The girls I know never like to make those sorts of moves first. Tickle her back, give one sided hugs, and better yet, just lay into her and dip kiss her. She’ll love that!**

Theory 4: Bring flowers every day, write notes and love letters, hide them in her stuff.

The longer the letters, the better. Make them as suggestive as you feel is necessary. Spill your heart out in these love notes. Be totally over-dramatic and act like a guy you saw in the chick flick you watched by yourself last night (hey, maybe she saw it too, and it’ll make you look extra sensitive!). Poems work as well. When delivered, these letters should ALWAYS be accompanied by a flower of some kind. It doesn’t have to be grandiose, maybe you plucked a dandelion on your way to throw pebbles at her bedroom window. Very romantic, indeed.

Case and point: this girl in one of my classes, who is the whole reason I’m presenting these theories. I wrote her notes every day, told her how pretty she is, and asked her all the time if we could go out that weekend. She always thought I was joking around with her. She wouldn’t take me seriously, until one day, I wrote her a song and performed it over the PA system at my school. This got her attention! Unfortunately, it was too little, too late. Please do not make my mistakes, my young protégé.

Alas, these tips are only to be used for your greater good. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility, and blah blah blah, all that jazz. Good luck gentlemen (but mostly ladies)!

*All pickup lines copyright Gordo 2010

**My House on The Moon is not responsible for legal fees or restraining orders that may result from this method.

Dress for Success

It has been said that you should dress for the job you want. The spirit of this saying is that you should dress extremely well when going to an interview, and you’ll get a great job where you get to dress up like that every day. Go ahead, experiment on this; go to an interview in flip flops and a tank top, see if you get the job. You see?

Looking awesome, and therefore being awesome, is something we have all learned from a young age. As early as elementary school, it was always the kids who dressed popular who were popular. On the flip side, the kids who dressed nerdy were nerds, the girls who dressed slutty were sluts, and the guys who only wore sleeveless shirts and sport shorts were complete tools. This simple rule has been proven time after time.

Theoretically, you could dress for any job you want. You could dress like a bag boy or a garbage man if that’s where you want to work. You could dress the way you want, though it may look like Halloween every day. Wouldn’t that be fun though?

So what if you want a job in a boy band? My friend Kev and I were reflecting on our hopes and dreams the other day, and he mentioned that his dream growing up was to be a member of The New Kids on The Block, right alongside Mark Wahlberg (the early years).

So how would he have to dress for success as a member of NKOTB?

First, we have to look at the clothes. These guys wear oversized vests, leather jackets, or no shirt at all. While this look is not for everyone, the confidence to try it will make you stand out above the crowd. As for pants, the baggier the better. If at least 4 inches of your boxers must be showing at all times, you’re not doing it right. You could even wear overalls with the straps undone, that looks awesome.

Next, the hat. Whether it’s a backwards baseball cap, an upside-down visor, or a fedora, any cap will do. Even a bandana is great, as long as it’s worn with attitude. A classic black hat of any style will work at any occasion. Whether it’s a casual boys night out, or you’re wearing a tuxedo, you will always look awesome.

Now the hair, facial and otherwise. Bleached tips on spiked hair is great, the curly pompadour works too, but cutting steps in the side is the best style for NKOTB success.  Facial hair is a very particular science, and must be attended to on an artistic level. You might try a pencil thin beard, or the ever classic soul patch.

If either of these are not possible, due to poor ability to grow hair in those places, you can modify the hair that is already present: your eyebrows. Shaving a line or two into your eye brows is a great way to make a statement that you will do what it takes to succeed.

Remember, it’s all about attitude. Part of dressing for success is acting in a way that reflects the style you’re trying to pull off. You must be able to wear any and all of these styles and act like you mean it. You’ll never get anywhere if you’re embarrassed about people watching you strut your stuff.

Individually, these tips will not have the power to launch you into boy band legend, but when combined together, you might just be the newest member of The New Kids on The Block!

Hope this helps, Kev! Good luck!

Trees do not hug you back

You may like trees. But hear this:

Trees do not like you.

In fact, they hate you. What was the last thing you did for any one of them? That's what I thought.

Trees do not care how much you profess to love them. They do not care how much you hug them.

Trees will never hug you back.

Trees provide shade, fruit, they even create the very air you breathe. And how do you repay them? By cutting them down. Wes, I'm looking at you.

Imagine you're a tree. Now, as we learned from The Lord of The Rings, the life of an Ent (tree person) is extremely slow moving, so this scene would be in slow motion.

So you're standing there, dancing in the breeze and minding your own business, when all of a sudden, a chain saw starts up right behind you! Being made of wood, your joints are very stiff and you can't turn around quickly enough to karate chop the ol' lumberjack. All you have time to do is close your eyes and brace for the worst botched surgery of your life. A bodyectomy. A complete removal of the body from the roots.

Did you notice the tree shuddering as you walked up with that newly sharpened ax or freshly oiled chain saw? You heartless, cruel people.

Sadly, I'm not sure there is anything you can do about this one sided hatred they have for us. All I can say is be humane as you chop them down. Thank the tree for its service and the long life it had. It will not acknowledge you, and will not speak to you.

Because trees hate you.

My Childhood Memories: Breakfast

Like many of you, my loving Mother insisted that I eat a healthy, balanced breakfast each morning. In order to ensure we ate well, she wouldn’t buy sugared cereal very often. It was always cheerios and toast, eggs and OJ. Now, I am not complaining about having hearty, lackluster breakfasts. On the contrary, I believe that the great food I ate at that time of my life helped me to grow up healthy and strong, and it helped me focus in school. But at what cost?

Getting away from these healthy breakfasts were the reason I loved traveling to grandma’s house. Strawberry Nesquik by the bucket, Reese’s Puffs Cereal, Cotton Candy, Lucky Charms, Gummy Bears, potato chips! You name it, we ate it! Now, it’s very possible my memories from 15+ years ago are skewed, but I’m pretty sure everything was fair game.

You can imagine my dismay upon coming home back to plain Rice Chex and Special K.

Being the oldest, I was the “practice child”. My parents would experiment with different parenting styles, new rules and punishments on me. I believe the tasteless, fiber-full breakfast foods forced upon me was one of those punishments. When I got into high school, and my younger siblings were entering school themselves, it became much easier for them to feed us Froot Loops, Honey Combs and Coco Puffs. Finally, when I got almost too old for the mazes on the box, they cave. Notice I said almost.

Typically, the cereals weren’t even name brand. My parents bought the bulk cereals, because it gets spendy to feed 5 hungry kids. This begs the question, can you buy a kids love with name brand cereals? The answer is a resounding yes.

This is why, at every chance I get, I purchase name brand, delicious, sugary goodness to show my wife that I love her, and more importantly, that I love myself.

I urge you, my dear readers, to go and stroll through the breakfast aisle. Let your children choose their favorite. Pick up an extra gallon of milk and the big package of Nesquik. Your children will thank you.

A Follow Up Letter to NASA

To whom it may concern:

Recently, I sent a package to your offices at NASA containing several articles, including head shots and designs I came up with for awesome space ships. One of these items in particular was my resume and application to the space program. I hope it was just a clerical error, but I still have not heard back.

As you may relate, it has been a boyhood dream of mine to work for NASA, specifically to become an astronaut. Long have I been preparing for the day when I would be called upon to man a mission beyond the edge of space, where Earth’s gravity no longer has control over me.

In case you lost my resume, I will detail my qualifications once more. I possess many qualities that would make me a stellar (get it?) astronaut.

First, I have an amazingly strong stomach. I can do back flips on my parent’s trampoline all day and not get sick. Also, one time, I won a chicken nugget eating contest against my little brother. 46 nuggets. I have a very strong stomach.

Second, space food will not be an issue because I practice eating food from a tube all the time. I'll bet your astronauts don't condition for the rigors of space travel like I have! At first, I would reuse old toothpaste tubes and eat from there, but now, because of my new job in the electronics section at Wal-Mart, I can afford to buy the real thing! At first I didn’t like it, but I refer you back to my strong stomach.

Furthermore, I know that I would look awesome in a space suit. It seems as though NASA would get more funding if they had better looking astronauts and more awesome looking suit. I have included an artist’s conception of the neatest space suit ever!

As for knowledge if space travel, you won't find a more knowledgeable person that yours truly. I have seen nearly every film made about space, space travel, space aliens, space suits, and saving earth from space ever made since 1987, because I wasn't born yet before 1987. Yes, this means I started watching these films before I celebrated my first birthday.

Finally, I am an experienced pilot. I have beaten every video game ever made about flying, space travel, and killing aliens. This qualifies me as the best defense against alien invaders you will interview in you entire illustrious career.

Speaking of NASA funding, I bet you’d have more fans in government and across the nation if you’d be more prompt in your replies to letters. This goes for fan mail, bills, and ESPECIALLY resumes. Some of you may be getting old, and you need young nerdy guys to run the space program, i.e. me. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

Sincerely,

Gordon T. Witherbottom, III

PS I would make an exceptional ray gun tester, if you need that too.

What I would be thinking if I were President Obama and I realized I gave that whole speech with my fly down

Oh. My. God. 

Has my fly been down this whole time?! I just addressed MILLIONS of hard working Americans on live TV, how long has it been open?

Maybe no one saw…

I think the podium covered most of it. Yeah, I bet nobody even noticed.

Wait a minute, is that why Michelle asked me if I was hot?! Did she think I was just letting in a little air to cool off? Who does that, open their fly for some circulation? I am not that kind of guy!

Oh, who am I kidding?! I’m wearing red, white, and blue flag boxer shorts, how could anybody miss that? I was walking around the stage for over an hour and crouching down every 20 seconds, you know, to get down on their level. Sue me, it’s a technique!

Oh great, I’ll bet there’s a close up photo of my crotch on every snarky website within the next 10 minutes or less!

Barack, you do this to yourself all the time! Whenever the slightest thing goes wrong, you think about it for months! Stop beating yourself up, dude! You’re the friggin’ Leader of The Free World!

Maybe this will be good for me. Yeah, maybe it will make people like me more. Maybe they’ll think, “Oh, hey, he wears the underwear of everyman! We love you Barry!”

[To Joe Biden: “Hey, what kind of underwear do you wear?”]

[Joe Biden: Gives weird look]

Uh, what’s his problem?

I am seriously going to kill everyone on my entire staff. As soon as I walk in the doors, they are all fired! Those jerks don’t care about anyone but themselves!

Ah, no, I can’t just fire them for this. They are just hard working Americans who happened to work for a guy who forgot to zip his pantaloons. It wasn’t their fault, after all…

[sigh] Oh, Abe Lincoln, what would you do?

Maybe I should just make a joke about it, and start laughing about it first, before everyone starts in on me about it. You know what, I might just do that. I could give another speech with my fly down again, and wear big ol’ novelty polka dotted underwears! That would be hilarious! Making the world laugh will be a great way to boost my ratings!

Oh man, I’m in trouble…

Oh gosh...

73 Days ‘Til Christmas!

The last run ‘til Christmas. Crunch time is upon us, have you come up with the best present ever? If you haven’t, let it be known that you are a terrible human being. Also, that doll your daughter wants? Sold out in July. Welcome to America.

Coming up with the greatest present your loved ones have ever received is an art performed delicately. You don’t want to give one daughter a car, and the other one a laptop. It is vitally important you carefully compare the magnitude of each gift, being sure that one present does not overshadow another. Also, you don’t want to go too big, too fast. You’ve got at least 18 years for each kid to spread your Christmas spirit all over!

Also, your presents must be thoughtful. As they say, it’s the thought that counts. I can imagine getting the most expensive Barbie car they make. But what use is that to me? Make sure that, aside from being expensive, that your presents are useful. Kids understand that you love them however many dollars you spend on them, but they also like to get some use out of their presents. Value is in the eye of the beholder!

Lastly, make sure that, while buying your gifts, that you don’t do a whole “Gift of the Magi” thing. Also, make sure someone else isn’t planning on getting the same exact gift. Trust me, I know.

Last Christmas, as I was pondering on the perfect gift for my wife, I had cause to think about our current living situation. At that time, we had moved every couple of months, and we had not yet obtained much furniture. Naturally, I lovingly decided to purchase a sofa for her Christmas present.

So did she.

I went into the store and bought the couch, and made arrangements with her father to help me bring it home. We were to surprise her with the couch by hiding it in the basement and giving it to her on Christmas. She literally had the exact same idea!

When I walked in, I could not believe my eyes. There was the couch she had bought for MY Christmas present! Needless to say, my couch stayed at the store. I’m willing to bet this is not the last time this will happen, nor will this be the last time we laugh about it!

As we speedily approach this Christmas season, please remember that even though it is better to give than to receive, someone will be receiving, so please put yourself into their shoes. Would you REALLY like to get a belt for Christmas? Get real, guy.

Mixed Feelings About: Autumn

Like many of you, I have mixed feelings about the upcoming autumn season. On one hand, I get to dress up like Avatar, and on the other hand, the weather depresses me. I just can’t win.

One thing we can all agree on is that fall brings many reasons to celebrate. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Black Friday are great holidays, and as an extra bonus, those holidays act as a runway to the most wonderful holiday of all: Tiger Woods’ birthday (December 30, 1975)!

The cool weather and the leaves on the ground have a peculiar effect on my palette; I crave spider shaped cookies ALL THE TIME! You know, a round cookie with chocolate eyes and pretzel legs. My favorite!

(Mmm, doesn't that look delicious?)

I also get hungry for soups and other heavy meals like steak and potatoes. I even made a pasta dish yesterday with hot Italian sausage, butternut squash, onions, and mushrooms (very delicious, email me for the recipe), just because I wanted something a little heavier. Will this make ME heavier? Maybe. Who knows why the cold weather drives me to completely change my eating habits?

Anyone?

What I love most about fall is dressing up for Halloween! Whether I’m dressing as the Bananas in Pajamas, or a 45-year-old man (nobody recognized me, they thought I was a stranger!), every Halloween is an adventure. The thrill that comes from creeping people out or by making them laugh is unbeatable. You know, there really are a lot of great reasons to enjoy this time of year.

I’ll tell you what. This Halloween, as you are crouching in the bushes ready to scare the crap out of a group of 3^rd graders, take a moment to reflect on the many reasons you love autumn, and try not to let it get you down!

The Joys of Loafing

Who knows how many hours have been spent loafing? No, not rolling bread dough, and no, not strolling around in penny loafers. I’m talking wicked proper, idle, unequivocally lazy loafing. No one, probably. Who’s got the energy to keep track anyway?

A good loafing session may look any number of ways. Today, I wish to outline a few of my personal favorite methods in order to experience the pure elation of loafing.

First, of course, is watching season after season of a favorite television show on DVD in one sitting. Oh, how many times I have stayed up all night watching a series, such as Heroes, The Pretender, Futurama, Burn Notice, White Collar, and many, many more. It’s very easy, just slump down on the couch, and select “Play All”. Right there is a guaranteed 3 or 4 hours of lounging around until the disk must be changed. And who is going to change it?

This is what cell phones are for. If you practice, you can get anyone, be it a brother, mom, wife, or a neighbor down the street who runs in out of breath because you told him it was an emergency. It is an emergency! My DVD just got over; I need you to change it! He’ll probably huff and complain, but he will do it, albeit grudgingly. Problem solved, and you didn’t have to do a thing!

Second will have to be snoozing. I remember hitting the snooze button dozens of times instead of dragging my butt out of bed. I still got up, but I loafed around in my bed for hours. I can’t think of a more enjoyable experience of sleeping in 8-9 minute increments for a few hours, except of course, if the alarm wasn’t waking me up all the time.

An unfortunate consequence of snoozing is missing class, work, or a wedding (hopefully not your own). One way to combat this result is to set your alarm for a few hours earlier. This way, you still have the delightful experience of slapping the snooze button several times before you actually have to get up.

Last is just laying there, making others drag you from room to room. Many would argue that the most efficient way to move from one point to another is to just get up and walk. I vehemently disagree. There are many people walking from one room to another, hour after hour, day after day. These people are suckers.

The goal of this exercise is to exploit the energy they are already expending. You may choose to yell loudly for someone to come help, or you may choose to just grab on as they walk past. Either way works, however there are pros and cons to each method.

If you yell for help, you are using much needed energy, energy that could be used for more loafing. There is also a risk that no one will help you. Either they don’t care or they know what your plan is and don’t want to get tricked. Don’t give up; there is always someone that will help you, if only to shut you up!

If you choose to use the sneak attack method and grab onto someone as the walk by, patience is paramount. Someone may not walk by for a long time. When they do, do not blow your chance. Grab onto as much as you can grab, clothing, legs, etc. In my experience, grabbing both legs doesn’t work very well, as they no longer can walk. Once you have their attention, let them know they need to drag you to your target destination and you’ll leave them alone. It never fails! (Actual rate of failure is 3 in 5)

Honorable mention:  Spacing out, staring at nothing, and losing all sense of space, time, and pop culture. I do not advocate checking out of your own mind. I mean, at least enjoy your opportunity to loaf. Spacing out does encompass all requirements of what I call “loafing”, however, so I will give it an honorable mention.

Good loafing!

An Open Letter to My Mysterious Cold

To Whom it May Concern,

I am currently experiencing a mysterious cold. You, Señor Cold, are terrible. I didn’t ask for you. I don’t even know where you came from. I guess what I’m trying to say is why don't you just make like a tree and leave? You are an uninvited tresspassor inside my nose. This is your official notice to get out!

I bet you get your jollies from making nice guys like me as sick as you can. Do you think it’s funny? Hilarious, I can assure you. Not.

You, my mysterious cold, are the solitary reason for this down economy. If people were healthy enough to get into their respective work places and produce their various goods, we wouldn’t be in this situation. After all, as the ancient Chinese proverb says, “You sell more things, you make more money!”

It wouldn’t be so bad if I could sleep at night. But I bet that’s your favorite part huh? I can’t even lie down, or else I can’t breathe! Ah, I could just kill you right now, you know? And what’s up with the sudden temperature changes? One second I’m hot, then I’m freezing, then I’m hot again. You son of a gun.

I hate you, everyone hates you. We met, we voted and we all agree that you should go take a long walk off a short pier.  In short, stay out of my life.

Cordially,

Gordo

PS You owe me $12 for all those tissues