My Very Own Super Suit

I've always thought about having super powers, however, I am not from another planet (that I know of), and hazardous waste is pretty unwieldy. You never know what you're gonna get when dealing with radioactive gunk. Having said this, it becomes obvious that super powers are not in the cards for me. Introducing The Super Suit.

Because I am rather famous, sometimes I have need for a Super Suit. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Why does this guy have a Super Suit, and not me?” Also, you may be thinking about what to have for dinner. To this, I say “Focus.”

Imagine I am walking down to the 7-11 to get a Shrekalicious Slurpee and a fist-full of hot dogs. I know its night time, but I can’t bring myself to remove my sunglasses. They just look so extremely cool.

So there I am, minding my own bees wax, when all of a sudden, a bus starts careening out of control, and rolls right down the street 37 times headed straight for me. Wouldn’t that be a great time to have a super suit? Nod your head yes.

Let’s talk about the functions of said super suit. My super suit can do almost anything. It makes me extra strong, just in case I drop something, like a Kit Kat, under the car. It also makes me run super fast. Oh, and I can fly too.

Also, it definitely has to look awesome. I mean, I don’t want to be running down the street in sweat pants and a cape, like some kind of nerd. It would have armor and a sweet utility belt too. On the belt, it would have a place for my wallet and phone since, of course, you can’t have bulky pockets in a super suit. Having lumps on your thighs looks so retarded. It would also have an oil slick, a ray gun, a PEZ dispenser, and a bull whip.

One thing that would be important is that it looks relatively normal. It would look like a regular suit. That way, I can still go to work, look hawt, and save the day all at the same time. The jacket could camouflage the utility belt, and the tie could double as a lasso or something.

You know, armor and a utility belt might be kind of heavy. To be honest, I think they would often get left in my Super Suit Display case (because you gotta display something that awesome). Also, it would get really old fast if everyone kept asking me to lift up their car or run out and get coffee, especially if they were timing me all the time. The stress of all these people relentlessly hounding me to show off my suit would get so annoying. Get your own dang coffee guys! You know what, forget the super abilities too.

I think a normal, sweet looking suit is a good idea. Yeah. I’d still use the tie as a lasso.

(Saving the Damsel in Distress. Now that's a good Super Suit.)