In my next life, I'll come back as a Giant

As I laid in bed last night, after a long day of watching the Rock of Love marathon on VH1, I considered life.  Is this it? Is my time here on this Earth meant to be spent watching burned out rock stars flounder in the fading spotlight while eating old Halloween candy? After much contemplation, I have determined the answer is a resounding yes. Why? Because.

There is nothing better than relaxing while others prance around acting like complete idiots. That is, except being one of them. This got me thinking… What better way to get noticed than by being bigger than everyone else?

This is why, in my next life, I’ll come back as a giant. How radical would it be to be twice as tall as everyone, and get to knock everyone around? Answer: A million. Then, I’ll bet people make a reality show out of me! This would also be a million radical, I can assure you.

Another great thing about being a giant is that you get to eat as much as a large family, while they stand by and watch. They may cheer you on at first, but they’ll lose interest when they realize you have eaten their whole dinner. They’ll start to make dinner again, this time for themselves. This is the perfect time for you to slip out the back, never to be heard from again, until tomorrow night.

One down side is that you’d probably have a hard time riding roller coasters. I have often banged my knees and had to duck coming around corners, and I couldn’t imagine being 10 feet tall.  It seems like a giant would need to carry around a fanny pack with a bunch of band-aids just to keep from having everyone stare at him.

In my next life, I will come back as a giant. A giant with a motorcycle, because even giants gotta be bad to the bone.

Richard Kiel, a King among Men

(I'd try not to look as screwed up, though.

I mean, who wears Hawaiian shirts anymore?)